Adult Grooming In Sport – If It Feels Wrong, It Is Wrong

Grooming in sport involves slowly gaining trust before systematically breaking down interpersonal barriers.

Athletes can become trapped into compliance because they trust and like, or even love, their abusers. This process may take weeks, months or years with the abuser usually moving steadily so that they are able to maintain secrecy and avoid exposure. Grooming is important because it brings about the appearance of co-operation from the athlete, making the act of abuse seem consensual.

Grooming works by mixing positive behaviours with elements of abuse. In the beginning, all behaviours are positive. Slowly, abusive elements are added in amounts that surprise the survivor to an extent, but do not push alarm to a high level. Overtime, the inappropriate comes to feel normal.

Michael Samsel, American Therapist

Grooming and abuse can occur at any level in any sport, whether that’s with amateur players or elite athletes. Although most people think of children as being groomed, anyone at any age can be a victim of grooming.

Athletes can become trapped into compliance because they trust and like, or even love, their abusers. This process may take weeks, months or years with the abuser usually moving steadily so that they are able to maintain secrecy and avoid exposure. Grooming is important because it brings about the appearance of co-operation from the athlete, making the act of abuse seem consensual.

An Abusive Relationship

In sport, grooming is facilitated when an authority figure such as a coach, physio, physician or support staff/volunteer gradually builds the athlete’s trust. Although this blog refers to the coach/athlete situation, the abuser could be anyone in a position of trust and authority in the sport who uses the imbalance of power to abuse.

They’re able to build trust through offering the athlete the opportunity of achieving tangible outcomes, such as winning competitions, honours and medals and team selection, funding and sponsorship. The grooming process also involves intangible rewards such as feelings of being special, high self-esteem, confidence, superiority and security. Often, the abuser is held in high esteem by other professionals and so people defend their behaviour, even when people are reporting that it is abusive. The ‘celebrity status’ of some abusers can be used to insert their power and provide a ‘cover’ for their behaviours.

They’re able to build trust through offering the athlete the opportunity of achieving tangible outcomes, such as winning competitions, honours and medals and team selection, funding and sponsorship. The grooming process also involves intangible rewards such as feelings of being special, high self-esteem, confidence, superiority and security.

The abuser nurtures and protects the athlete in a parent-like relationship. They provide a mixture of discipline and affection upon which the athlete gradually becomes reliant. The athlete can ultimately become totally trapped, as the abuser can use threats, such as being cut from the team. They can also give or withhold of rewards and privileges to secure co-operation, manipulating the athlete to maintain secrecy.

Unaware Until it’s Too Late

For the abuser, grooming is a conscious strategy. The athlete, on the other hand, is often unaware for too long that their relationship with their abuser is getting gradually unhealthier. For example, a coach can be in such a position of power that their authority offers an effective alibi or camouflage for grooming and abuse. The athlete might not notice incremental shifts in boundaries until they feel completely entrapped and unable to resist.

The physicality of sport can require close proximity of bodies in states of undress and/or exertion. It can also require intimate actions that might feel invasive in non-sport contexts. In this way, sport fosters a degree of interpersonal closeness between athletes and coaches that might otherwise only exist within family or care settings. Many of these apparent invasions of privacy – whether involving touch or other forms of interaction – are thus legitimised in sports coaching.

Abusers can groom families as well as the athlete. For example, families can become ‘part of’ the unquestioned trust network. There’s the idea that ‘coach knows best’. Athletes don’t want to disappoint their families who have often invested a huge amount of time, money and expectation. They may also have made sacrifices, such as moving house or to a different area or country to support their talented child.

The Grooming Process

There is no “checklist” that can be used to identify an offender. However, there are red flags that can help clubs and coaches recognise predatory behaviours that may lead to abuse.

The following four steps outline the process of how an abuser would groom an athlete. Each step identifies behaviour to look out for. These are the things that you’d have to address to prevent grooming or abuse from occurring.

Step One – Targeting a Potential Victim

The first thing an abuser will likely do is identify an athlete they consider to be vulnerable. They might observe them during training, checking their behaviour to see whether it seems they would be susceptible to typical grooming tactics.

• Recognising when an athlete is most susceptible to the coach paying special attention. They might notice when they are insecure about their skills or position on the team. They may single out an athlete who seems more distant from the other athletes or their teammates. Or they might identify athletes who might be having problems with friends, family, drinking, drugs or similar circumstances. If the coach inquires about these personal situations, the athlete might naturally think that they simply care and want to help.
• Testing the athlete’s receptivity to secrecy and reliability. For example, the team may have a rule prohibiting coaches from texting athletes except for official team business. But the coach might do it anyway, and ask the athlete not to tell anyone. They might say that they’re only doing it because they’re worried about the athlete’s wellbeing. They’ll then wait to see if the athlete reports the coaching misconduct.
• Striking up a friendship outside of the team. They might do this through phone calls, or through meetings in stores or places typically frequented by the athlete. These encounters might seem “accidental”. But they’ll actually be carefully planned.
• Simply being nice or being overtly positive to see if the athlete responds to this form of attention.

Step Two – Building Trust and Friendship

Once they’ve established their inroad and profiled their target as having exploitable aspects, the abuser will begin to build deeper bonds of trust and emotional connections. Consistency is key at this point. Abusers will want the athlete to perceive them as a stable source of support and positivity. Through spending more time with the athlete and making them feel special, they’ll create a stronger bond.

• Making the athlete feel special. Spending more time with the athlete and sharing personal stories or social gossip.
• Giving the athlete small gifts. Or nice and simple text messages like “hope you have a good day” or “you did well at practice today”.
• Establishing basic conditions for each private meeting, such as specific times and places. They might also tell the athlete not to tell anyone else about their meetings, as it would only make others jealous of all the attention they’re getting.
• Beginning to “bargain”. They might say things like “you have to do this because I’ve done that,”  or “I told you what I did today. Now you need to tell me.”

This is where things start to get problematic. The abuser’s formed an element of obligation in the relationship, which creates a power imbalance.

Step Three – Developing Isolation, Control and Loyalty

From this point, an abuser might start exercising how much control they have over the athlete. This could be through making the athlete do or say things to show committed they are to pleasing their abuser. They might also attempt to cut the athlete off from their support networks, whether that’s friends, family, or both. This creates a larger sense of isolation and makes their target more reliant on them for support and validation.

• Demeaning other people that the athlete may depend upon for support and private conversations. They might start to insist that friends, family, partners and others “just don’t understand you.”
• Stopping or discouraging the athlete from approaching others for friendship or support.
• Encouraging doubt and fragility. They might build the athlete up one minute, making them feel hopeful and joyful, only to punish or shun them the next. This might make the athlete desperate for a return to warmth and attention.
• Continuing to check on the athlete’s commitment to secrecy. They might repeat their instructions to never reveal the relationship to others. They might also continuously question the athlete’s loyalty, forcing them to prove themselves.

Step Four – Initiating Abuse and Securing Secrecy

An abuser’s aim is to isolate the athlete and create a general feeling of reliance on them. If they manage this, they will then begin to push into ambiguous territory regarding sexual boundaries. They might attempt to entrap the athlete through previous sexual incidents. Or they might try to create feelings of obligation around repayment for gifts, or for all the help they’ve given in getting further within the sport. They might even try to invoke feelings of guilt for a poor performance. The previous tests around commitment and secrecy will likely come into play, as it’s these elements which an abuser will use to ensure any deviant behaviour goes unreported.

• Gradual movement into physical boundaries. It might start with accidental and inadvertent “excuse me” touching. It could progress into hugs, or holding hands, and saying things like “I like you” or ”you’re special.”
• Inappropriate touching and then withdrawal. They might say something like “sorry, couldn’t help it, I apologise”. But then next time, they’ll close the trap through saying “you didn’t mind last time.”
• Invoking cooperation for being nice or treating the athlete specially. “You owe me…just a little touching.”
• Invoking guilt. ”Now look at what you’ve done”. The idea is to make athlete think it is their fault.
• Offering protection. ”I won’t tell – it’s our little secret.”
• Discrediting the athlete as a mechanism to maintain secrecy. “Others won’t understand” or “Nobody will believe you.”
• Threatening the athlete. “If you tell anyone, I’ll hurt you/tell others what you have done/hurt someone you care about/drop you from the team.”

What Can We Do?

• Anyone delivering anti-harassment and abuse prevention programmes in sport must identify and clarify protective factors in the coach-athlete relationship.
• If you want to establish guidance on coaching practice and athlete safety, it’s vital that you understand the grooming process – how it happens and why it happens.
• Greater awareness of how certain interactions can be constructed by one party as legitimate and by the other as invasive or illegitimate is required in order to educate both coaches and athletes about these issues and to help them avoid compromising situations.
• Coaches are responsible for reporting concerns if they observe violations by other coaches. All coaches should receive annual education sessions reviewing prohibited conduct. They should also know how to recognise grooming behaviours.

We must also commit to training coaches and staff/volunteers to recognise grooming techniques and signs of abuse. Increased awareness can lead to action:

1.  Empower coaches, volunteers and staff to speak-up and not to dismiss questionable interactions or behaviour.
2.  Promptly and thoroughly follow-up on any issues raised.

What Can I Do?

• Learn about sexual abuse, grooming techniques, signs of abuse and reporting procedures.
• Review your policies and procedures to determine whether they prohibit or discourage grooming opportunities.
• Follow-up on any report of suspicious behaviours.

Increase protective factors and create resilience in your setting. 

For example:

• Elite athletes who are survivors of abuse could run education programmes for young athletes.
• Training for coaches about training methods that rely less on the misuse of power and control and more on cooperation and having fun to harness motivation.
• Establish clear boundaries, and ensure that everybody understands and adheres to them.
• Focus on increasing awareness on grooming. The goal will be to educate the sports community on what behaviours and signs to look for to help prevent grooming from happening to any athlete.

Establish and Promote Clear Codes of Conduct.

• Have robust safeguarding policy and procedures in place that everyone knows about.
• Have clear procedures in place at your venue, e.g. transport, communication, supervision (ratios), complaints, disciplinary, management of volunteers/staff.
• Encourage athlete focused and open environments where concerns can be raised.
• Have clear processes for reporting concerns and ensure all members are aware of this.
• Safeguarding training for all staff and volunteers.
• Follow safe recruitment processes.

Grooming is Never the Athlete’s Fault 

An athlete should never feel ashamed to tell others about their experience of grooming. People in a position of authority in sport have a responsibility not to use their power or status to take advantage of a participant or athlete.

The behaviours we described above happen when the abuser has cultivated the athlete as their victim. They’ll progress through the steps when they think they’ve successfully trapped the athlete into compliance and silence.

It’s never too late to ask for help. The affection and the caring are not real.